I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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