i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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