Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
