I skipped work to stalk him.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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