I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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