I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
