so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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