Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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