Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
