The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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