Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
