I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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