So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
