I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
