Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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