Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
