I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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