I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
