filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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