Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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