Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
even my farts smell like vagina
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
