You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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