some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
