this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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