Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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