Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
