ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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