i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
