What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
