I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
