If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
