The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
