My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
