I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
