i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
