No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
