I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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