I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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