Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
