Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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