I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
