My liver just broke up with me...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
