Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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