I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
