our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
