She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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