hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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