I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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