We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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