I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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