WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
