Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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