I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
