I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
