his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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