Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
