I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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