Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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