Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
